As I sit in the diversity of human thought and action I realize that in this garden of thought, every flower differs. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but it felt as if I was supposed to be like the people around me or to act like them, think like them and rise up to their expectations. As if it was a crime to be different or to think unlike others. The opinions of people felt toxic as if it was wrong of me to feel or act or think this way. As if it was weird and crazy.
So easy it is to say that you should act like this, think in this way, this is not healthy or wait you’re wrong, this is right. Most of us think that we are always right but when we are not, we always find someone or something to blame for our mistakes. However in this global diversity there are those that follow the old gold road of tradition and then there are those that pave paths in their own madness and glory.
What is surprising is that we all often hate tradition, either it is following it or passing it down. We all want to somehow surpass this constraint of tradition but at the same time we seem to think that being different is somehow wrong or crazy in a negative way. We human souls have strolled in this grey field for a pretty long time, always being pushed to the white or the black and simultaneously trying to figure out what we want and not what others expect of us. Do I want to be that which is accepted and normal or do I want to be that which is different and out of the ordinary?
Now it is pretty easy to say, “Oh! Be different, be the bright color or the weird one.” However it is difficult to re-enact that in reality. It is a war that I have constantly fought within my mind. Is it okay to wear this? Isn’t it too bold? Should I say this or would I sound too weird? Are they laughing at me? Wait, did I say something wrong? Now this can be me just being too self-conscious or anxious but the crux of this is that deep down I do want to be different and extra-ordinary and at times I do act my part but the constant urge of others to make you normal or acceptable beats all of us down.
This has greatly hurt my public confidence because in this age of self-exploration once you somewhat figure out who you are and then that is not always acceptable by the society, you are going to get a lot of unasked opinions and suggestions that just thrust you in that well of cross-questioning. It makes you feel responsible for a mistake that you did not commit. It makes you feel responsible for an irresponsibility that you were not a part of. It makes you feel wrong for being you and this is the reason that today’s youth under estimate themselves. And sadly I won’t lie and admit that I am also a victim of this.
And this leads to another break down of mine a few days ago. As I drove along the countryside on the highway with this BR-V full of different people I couldn’t help but feel like the odd one out. I felt confused.
I thought that the way I am and who I am, is it normal? Is it acceptable? Is it the way that it is supposed to be or is it supposed to be different? Are my questions and the answers to them valid? Am I supposed to be just another leaf in the green foliage or the odd one out?
And to be honest, this is not the first time it has happened. It has happened before and it might even happen again but that is not what I fear. I also dealt with this theory in another one of my blogs, Who We Are.
For now I might not be in the white or the black and I am still wandering in the grey but I do know that I would not want to be imprisoned by normality or acceptance. I would always want to be different. It is time we accept it for our own peace of mind. But then again words and opinions are easier than practical implementation.
Skepticism is the beginning of faith.