I see from the corner of my eyes the drops of water dripping into the basin. I now wonder whether those are just drops of water or my tears and I instantly rinse my face multiple times. I keep on rinsing and looking into the unclear bathroom mirror my scarred, pale face with reddened eyes and nose and sobs in between. I kept on washing my face and rubbing it as if it would all help to make it disappear or to mold it into what I wanted it or how I wanted it to be. I kept looking in the mirror hoping that each rinse might give me a new face, a different personality but then that was all false hope.
I kept on thinking, what am I doing, what have I done, what am I going to do. I felt lost. I realized for the first time that day, standing in the bathroom mirror, I did know who I was. I still don’t know and somehow this question mark was the first question mark in my life that seemed to bother me. It somehow seemed unsettling, as if a puzzle piece was missing from the final masterpiece. I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see myself but I could not quite put my finger on who I was. I recognized the face in the mirror but somehow it felt alien. Just the way you stop after years in your life and often wonder, what have I done, who am I, quite similar to a mid-life crisis.
It all felt wrong, it felt like the realm that I was encasing and preventing from being crumpled was being crumpled into pieces. It felt as if the stronghold that I had managed to establish over the years was weakening, it felt disappointing. I realized that I was spending my life pretending to be someone I could never be, physically and personally. It felt as if I had been living a lie. Even though the truth has not yet sunken in since this event took place recently, I would say that I haven’t really gained much ground on who I am. It feels like you’re stuck in a trap which you yourself tied. And it is now that you realize that you’re stuck.
You look all around you at the plethora of human mass that surrounds you. You look at all kinds of men and women, children, adults, infants, boys and girls, and you suddenly question, Who Am I. You see people you presume are perfect, you see people you think are better off than you and most often you see people you want to be like or people you want to satisfy and you also pity people that are somehow below you. Sometimes those people are you’re acquaintances or are related to you personally, sometimes they might just be random people all at once. It all depends on who you are, but then the real question still remains, Who Are You?
To be honest. I don’t know the answer either. I am just another sheep in this herd altogether trying to figure out the answer too. At times I look around and realize, what role do I play. I often sit on my couch and think about what I have done and how has that contributed to the society, the community and the world as a whole.
And even though most of the times you realize that your effect might not be on a bigger scale but remember, it is the small things that contribute as a whole to the bigger picture, to something that is even more epic and has a widespread effect. So even though currently you might not be able to do much, in the end it all comes into place so when you feel like you’re really stuck the strategy is to continue moving by taking baby steps because you don’t really have to take a leap. It is just like how our body as a whole would not function properly as long as each and every cell does not function properly, it is just like how each and every pigment of color gives paint the color it possesses. All of us are just these pigments of color in a huge painting and we all contribute to its glory in our own special way. We are nothing without each and other. And this is Who We Are.
A pen can change a life and a heart can change a soul.